Heat, I don’t need no stinkin’ heat

New houses, like anything else, need to be debugged. The process of discoverer glitches in houses in unfortunately, an unscientific one: Wait ’til something obvious goes wrong, like a fountain in the middle of your living room, and then repair the most obvious symptom of said problem. This waiting for something to go wrong is at first a bit taxing; it induces paranoia. Every creak, every pop, every little sound, speck, and smell attracts attention. Most times, there is nothing wrong. Then the really obvious things go bad… water flowing up the walls in an Exorcist-esque manner, washing machines behaving like garbage disposals, and the like.

Most recently, I woke up chattering. I checked the usual suspects a) did I fall asleep in the bathtub… no b) did I fall asleep in the freezer, or perhaps, outside… no again c) was there heat… no! Having a likely candidate, I went exploring in the house. Fuses looked good, thermostat seemed to work, ice cubes were falling from the “heating” vents. Next step, call the builder. It’s great calling this guy, because he has seven other apartments in this building alone filled with bitchy yuppies… there is a black cloud over this guy’s head.

So the builder sends the “fix-it” guy. The “fix-it” guy has demonstrated to be a better “break-it” guy. Mr. Fix-it can’t find a problem, so he invents one, “The, uh, capacitor, yeah that’s it; the capacitor is, uh, bruised and needs to be replaced.”

Enter Mr. HVAC-Man. Mr. HVAC-Man has a Haitian accent thicker than molasses. He takes one look at the unit and cries, “Who installed this? This is all wrong.” Needless to say Mr. HVAC-Man has not yet fixed the problem.

Where’s my cat fight?

I firmly believe that the X-Files has just a) lost a large poriton of its viewership and b) gone off the deep end.

a) By killing off Mimi Rodgers off-screen, Chris Carter has eliminated that chance for a huge Gillian Anderson – Mimi Rodgers cat fight in a pudding factory. Instead, we get a deep sensetive caring moment at the end of the last episode. For the viewing population who was only looking for said cat fight, there is no reason to watch.

b) Mulder-as-Christ is a bit hard to swallow. Did anyone else notice that the whole episode was “The Last Temptation of Mulder?” Were any Catholics in the audience bothered by this?

Aren’t monopolies fun?

I haven’t read all of Judge Jackson’s finding of fact. From what I have heard, it reads a bit like the Adam West-era Batman shows…

  • “At the same time that Microsoft was trying to convince Netscape to stop developing cross-platform APIs, it was trying to convince Intel to halt the development of software that presented developers with a set of operating-system-independent interfaces.” KERPOW!!!!
  • “If OEMs removed the most visible means of invoking Internet Explorer, and pre-installed Navigator with facile methods of access, Microsoft’s purpose in forcing OEMs to take Internet Explorer capturing browser usage share from Netscape would be subverted.” BANG!!!!
  • “Not only did Microsoft prevent Navigator from undermining the applications barrier to entry, it inflicted considerable harm on Netscape’s business in the process.” POW!!!

How different a world would we live in if anti-trust law extended to non-corporate issues? For example, how ’bout suing Hallmark for leveraging their monopoly of the greet card industry and forcing their cheer and mild humor upon us all?

The Canadians have co-opted ham!

What exactly is back bacon? Me and my tribe are not exactly well versed in the ways of pork products. Suzy, at Toledo, spouted went out on this back bacon / ham rant a while ago and I just haven’t had time to relay it to you.

I’m back. Two weeks on the road is a damned long time. It proved to me that I was not meant to be a consultant flying from town to town like some sort of technological Johnny Appleseed. San Francisco gets hot in October… who knew. Orlando is always hot and muggy. Why exactly do people live in a malaria infested swap like Florida?

While in Orlando, I went to Universal Studio’s Halloween thing one night. The best thing about theme parks is the amazing amount of white trash you see. I mean, wow! Sociologists need to spend more time at these places.

How many of you like Puddin’ Pops? I certainly do. Apparently, they don’t make Puddin’ Pops any more. Just thought you might want to know.