Are we in hell yet?

So one week in to the new Presidency and what do we have?

* The Californian power problem isn’t something the national can help out with.
* Dissolving the separation between Church and State is.
* DC’s license plates apparently are too political for the W who removed them from the Presidential limo… claiming he did not want to make a politcal statement. Correct me if I’m wrong, but as a President all you do is make political statements.

Now I have never really believed that there is a separation between Chruch and State. It’s something that is paid lip-service, but that is about it.

Remember (thanks to our new Pres) women don’t have the right to choose what to do with their bodies, but the Federal government has the right to endorse religious views.

(Conversational Turn Signal)
So the Superbowl ads weren’t that good. Monkeys are funny and thus the ETrade ad was funny. Otherwise, no a heck of a lot stood out.

Except… did anyone notice the Verizon ad? It showed off the capabilities of SMS… for what purpose? A couple getting together. AH HA! I called it. SMS is only going to be used for sex. I called it.

A healthy disregard for time

I’ve been sitting on this email for a while, incubating it a bit. It’s not quite cooked, but I think it will do.

I issue a challenge. I will give any $100 per device if they can get the following devices to a) show the exact same time (down to the nanosecond) and b) run perfectly in sync for a day. The devices are as follows:

  • 2 analog wristwatches, both quartz movement
  • 1 cellphone (AT)
  • 1 analog clock in the dashboard of my card
  • 1 digital clock in my car stereo
  • The clocks on my oven, microwave, and Replaytv

Let’s see… 8 devices, $800. Not a bad deal. But it’s completely impossible.

And why is it impossible?

Because none of those devices actually measure time. They measure a shadow of time, a beating of quartz crystal or the tick of some far off timeserver.

But, Ian, I have a watch; it measures time. Wrong. You have a device that clicks out arbitrary segments, which you call time. There is no time in your wristwatch; you can’t refill it. You simply replace the battery, and a battery contains potential electric energy, and not time.

Think of this. Time is so arbitrary that we can simply “Spring forward, Fall back.” I can make it be whatever time I want just by monkeying with my watch.

At most, time is an agreed upon convention of life.

Time has become completely useless to me. Well, completely might be a bit strong. Time is convenient for paying bills, catching movies, and missing airplanes.

I am tired of people (myself very much included) worrying about time and their lives. “I didn’t do this by age X.” “I wish I had done Y when I was younger.”

A new decree: there is no point in one’s life when it is too “late” to start something new. Caveat: It is probably to late to start nude modeling for porno mags after the age of 60… in some cases, even earlier.

One must live their life immediately. There is no arbitrary divisions of life; it is all now.

I’m back in town for, I believe, a month (we all agree on what a month is? Right? 30, no 31, no 28, days!)

Killeen, Texas

When I tell you that my meeting was on the corner of Tank Destroyer Blvd and Hell on Wheels Road, I’m not kidding. I love the Army. I really do. No other organization can spew sentences out with out using actual words, but instead, use acronyms. “The DOIMS ATS v7 could use RPM ASAP.” That ain’t English.

And now… I’m in LA. I won’t bore you with my usual anti-LA droning. I do have to share an experience of one of my coworkers. He was in a bar in downtown LA and couldn’t figure out why a part of the bar was roped off. A little while later, an older gent, surrounded by imporbably attractive women, entered the bar and was escorted to the roped off section. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Hugh Heffner, and his peeps. Apparently, he really does travel with Playmates, and they are attractive, even without the airbrushing.

SMS (Short Message Sex)

As some of you already know, the newer Nokia cellphones in the US have SMS capabilities. SMS (short message service) is a wildly popular feature of European cellphone consumers. It is the ability to send short messages (creative naming) via your cellphone to another cellphone. In its full implementation, you can respond to messages on your phone too.

There are people on this list with such Nokia phones. They have been “testing” their capabilities. If you send a message from a Nokia phone to, say, an Ericsson, the receiver does not know where the message came from. Once that was discovered, it was a matter of time before messages like ,”urdburgalur-tay” started showing up in my phone’s inbox.

And then I hit on an idea. As you probably know, most of the really big inventions on the internet (streaming video for one) were to aid the adult content industry. I can see a whole warehouse full of college interns, looking to make a buck or two, typing in blandly sexual SMS notes, like “Oh, you make me so ho” (remember, these are short messages) to business men lost somewhere in Topeka as they peddle their useless fake vomit products. Now, as bandwidth on cellphones increase over time, we will be able to have richer messages in SMS… sort of porn-o-grams right to your phone.

Just remember you heard it here first.

I just got back from NYC. Hadn’t been there in a while and a buddy of mine’s surprise birthday party seemed like a good excuse. We went to a restaurant (Plataforma) where the waiters simply walk around with enormous skewers of meat and they carve off bits for you as they go by. I have not eaten so much flank steak, sirloin, and other random animal parts in a long long time.

Did you see the news? ( Looks like the Chimp-Elect’s Labor nomination has been hiring / harboring illegal aliens. Am I the only one that finds this funny?